Well, here we are again. I feel like this shitty story has consumed my life. Whatever. Not like I had much of a life to consume anyway.
When we last left off, we discovered that Eve was being stalked by
Jeff the Killer
a total stranger we have no idea about at all what-so-ever. What could possibly happen next? It's a mystery.eve had been always abused by her fat dad who shye hated
"dad im going to my friends house"
"no you are NOT YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH" her dad yelled
and then he threw a bottle at her head and she fell over and
hit it and broke her arm
"ok bye dad!" eve and then ran out the door
*deep breath* Okay. Okay. I'm not going to go on a full fledged rant about the plot of this story right now. I will not go on and on about how offensive and disrespectful
it is until much later, but believe me, dear reader. That day will come.
For now, let's look at this atrocious grammar.eve had been always abused by her fat dad who shye hated
According to Urban Dictionary, the definition of shye is "a context sensitive word used to refer to things that you wouldn't want other people you're around to know about. Such as: booze, drugs, hot women, or any other illegal activities or substances". Though I'm not sure how "hot women" can be considered an "illegal activity or substance", I am
sure this is not what you meant by "shye". I am 99% sure that you meant to write "she". Please proofread.
No correct capitalization and punctuation, but that's nothing new. Eve should be capitalize, there should be a period at the end of the sentence, and there should be a comma after "dad".
"Had been always" should be "had always been". It flows better that way. Here's a tip that everyone should listen to: say your writing out loud. If it doesn't sound right when you say it, then it probably needs to be changed. Also, "who" should technically be "whom". It's an error that's hard to spot, especially for more inexperienced writers, so I won't hold it against you. If you're referring to the subject of your sentence (Eve's dad in this case), then use whom."dad im going to my friends house"
Again, any semblance of correct capitalization or punctuation is nowhere to be found.
Now I'm going to give y'all a quick lesson on apostrophes.
Apostrophes have two main uses. The first use is to show possession. If you want to show that something or someone has possession of something or someone else, then you would add an apostrophe to the word, followed by an S. For example, "Cecil's boyfriend" shows that Cecil possesses a boyfriend. If the word you are trying to make possessive has an S at the end of it (whether it be because the word is plural or because the S is naturally there), then you would put an apostrophe after the S. For example, "Carlos' boyfriend" shows that Carlos possesses a boyfriend.
The second use for apostrophes is to shorten and combine words. Words like "I'm" and "y'all", for example, were originally "I am" and "you all". To shorten the words, you simply remove the extra vowels and replace them with an apostrophe.
Taking all of this into consideration, the "im" from this sentence should be "I'm", and the "friends" from this sentence should be "friend's".
Also, a comma after "dad" would do you some good as well. Another tip: if, while you're saying your writing out loud, there is a natural pause, then put a comma where that pause would be in your writing."no you are NOT YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH" her dad yelled
Do I even need to mention the capitalization and punctuation anymore? No? Moving on then...
Why isn't the beginning of the sentence emphasized with the rest of the sentence? This thing looks sloppy as hell. Just keep the entire sentence the same, and don't capitalize things to emphasize them
. It should either be "No you are not, you little fucking bitch!"
or "No you are not, you little fucking bitch!" Choose one.and then he threw a bottle at her head and she fell over and
hit it and broke her arm
Well this sentence is just a clusterfuck of wrong. Let's break it down.and then her threw a bottle at her head
There is no need to start this sentence with "and". Also, why does her dad have a bottle? When was it established that he was holding a bottle? It never says that he's drinking anything. It doesn't even say that he's usually drunk. There's just a random bottle in his hand that only exists so he can throw it at Eve. Does he just buy "throwing bottles" specifically for the purpose of throwing them at his daughter? Because I don't think that's the level of fucked up you're trying to convey here.and she fell over and
Hit what? It's never specified. Did she literally hit the word "it"? What did It do to you?"and broke her arm"
There are too many ands. "She broke her arm" can be a sentence on its own.
Also, how did she break her arm?!
Let me get this straight. Eve's dad threw a random bottle at her head. Eve fell down and hit the word "it" (how dare you. It never did anything to you). Eve broke her arm.
I'm done. I'll touch more on this in the last part of this review. Moving on."ok bye dad!" eve and then ran out the door
It's not "ok". It's either "OK" or "okay". Pick one.
"eve and then ran out the door" is not an acceptable sentence. It should be, "Eve then ran out the door" or, to make it sound less convoluted, "Eve ran out the door"."I CANT WAIT FOR THE SLEEPOVER" eve yelled as she ran down the street to her friends house
she knocked on her door and heard something comment from the bushes...
and it was.....
"HI EVE" eve screemed
"BITCH WHAT THE FUCK" eve screemed as she accidentally knocked millie out
Oh dear."I CANT WAIT FOR THE SLEEPOVER" eve yelled as she ran down the street to her friends house
If you're going to have someone yell, please just use an exclamation point. There is no need for you to capitalize words here. And, again, "friends house" is possessive. It should be "friend's house".she knocked on her door and heard something comment from the bushes...
What did they say? Nothing?
Oh, I see. You meant "coming". You see, "coming" and "comment" are two different words with two very different meanings. The definition of comment, according to Dictionary.com, is "a remark, observation, or criticism". The definition of coming, also according to Dictionary.com, is "approach; arrival; advent". As you can see, using the words interchangeably is, dare I say, idiotic.she looked..and it was....
Here we go again with the ellipses. Oh boy."HI EVE" eve screemed
Wait, so does Eve have DPD (dissociative identity disorder) then? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. It is a pretty edgy mental disorder.
What's that? Eve's friend is supposed to be screaming here?
No. It says right here: "eve screemed"
. Granted, "screamed" is horrible misspelled, but it still implies that Eve was the one who screamed "HI EVE"
in all caps for some reason
Whatever. If you want to have Eve scream, make a separate paragraph for her action. Otherwise it sounds like Eve screamed "hi, Eve" to herself. By the way, a comma after the "hi" would do you some good. Just sayin'."BITCH WHAT THE FUCK" eve screemed as she accidentally knocked millie out
You keep spelling "screamed" like "screemed". I don't think that means what you think it means.
In fact, unlike all of your other misspelled words, the word "screemed" doesn't exist in any form.
Other than that, there's nothing here that I haven't covered. The punctuation is terrible, as always. Millie should be capitalized. Stop capitalizing sentences to emphasize them. 'Nuff said.
Like before, I'm going to rewrite the part of the story I reviewed in a more grammatically correct manner.
Eve had been always abused by her fat dad, whom she hated.
"Dad, I'm going to my friend's house."
"No you are not, you little fucking bitch!" her dad yelled. He threw a bottle at her head and she fell over and hit it. She broke her arm.
"Okay, bye dad!" Eve ran out the door.
"I can't wait for the sleepover!" Eve yelled as she ran down the street to her friend's house. She knocked on her door and heard something comment from the bushes. She looked and it was.....
"Bitch, what the fuck!" Eve screamed as she accidentally knocked Millie out.
I added a few more commas where I feel they should be, but you get the idea. You don't need me to point out every comma problem. We'd be here all week if that was the case.